


Piece of Cake

by 6s_and_7s



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, The Mouse That Roared - Leonard Wibberley
Genre: Alien Invasion, Cake, Classic Who Secret Santa, Classic Who Secret Santa 2019, Cold War, Diplomacy, F/M, Familiarity with 'The Mouse that Roared' not required, Flirting, Q-Bomb, Wine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:08:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21773476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/6s_and_7s/pseuds/6s_and_7s
Summary: River Song runs into a face from her husband's past while under arrest for trying to steal the most powerful bomb in the world. Later, they have wine and bake a cake.
Relationships: Evelyn Smythe & River Song, Sixth Doctor & Evelyn Smythe, Sixth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15
Collections: Classic Who Secret Santa 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AslansCompass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AslansCompass/gifts).



_A piece of cake_ , River fumed. _That’s what this job was supposed to be. Get in, break the most dangerous bomb in the world, and get out again. Bob’s your uncle, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick doesn’t get turned into ashes, and the earth is entirely safe from the only race of invaders too lazy to build their own doomsday weapon!_

She stood up and paced around the room, her hands tied behind her back. Ordinarily, something as simple as rope wouldn’t be able to hold her for more than a few minutes, tops. The guards hadn’t even thought to frisk her, although they had taken her coat. She even had a knife in her pants pocket, and under normal circumstances, she could have just cut herself free. But the man who had tied her wrists together had done a frightfully good job of it. From her elbows down, River resembled nothing so much as a Boy Scout’s instruction manual.

It all really had seemed ridiculously simple going in. The situation was somewhat absurd, admittedly, but River had dealt with the absurd before. She had _married_ the absurd, come to think of it. The place was the tiny European country of Grand Fenwick, a tiny, pre-industrial nation whose principle export was their national wine, Pinot Grand Fenwick. The time was the autumn of 1955. 

Five months ago, Grand Fenwick had gone to war with the United States over knockoff wine, with the hope of receiving monetary assistance for reparations upon losing. As far as plans went, it wasn’t exactly a bad one. Grand Fenwick’s army, armed as it was with longbows and swords, was bound to be defeated without a single shot being fired.

Unfortunately, through a series of miscommunications and poor timing, Grand Fenwick accidentally stole the prototype Quadium Bomb -- an explosive that made the H-Bomb look like a firecracker. Not a single shot was fired, but Grand Fenwick didn’t lose. Quite the opposite, in fact. In the space of a day, the Duchy had gone from an unknown on the world stage to the most powerful nation in the world, right in the middle of the Cold War.

In the end, the whole affair had been settled down fairly quickly. The League of Little Nations was now keeping a careful eye on the superpowers of the world, the Cold War had been considerably calmed, and the world was more or less at peace. That had all been two months ago.

One month ago, the Acidians had arrived in the solar system. They were, in theory, world-conquerors. They had a small empire of subjugated planets, made to work and serve on their behalf. The Acidian dream was never to have to lift a finger, or to do anything more than they had to. They couldn’t even bother to threaten planets themselves -- they just waited until some poor sods had developed a planet-buster, then teleported in, swiped it, and held the world hostage.

So now, with the Q-Bomb being held in a quite literally medieval stronghold, Earth had become the Acidians’ next big target. River had only wanted to deactivate the bloody thing -- take out some vital component, make sure it would never function, and the Acidians would never bother trying to fix it. Instead, she’d been caught halfway to the dungeons by some doddering old man, then arrested by some irritatingly polite guards and left in what actually seemed to be a very pleasant cell. All _that_ had been about half an hour ago, and she still couldn’t get out of these damn ropes.

She was seriously beginning to consider trying to just break the bloody door down with her feet and working from there when she heard footsteps coming down the hall. Perhaps she could knock out the jailer when he came in, and then escape.

Her hopes were quite thoroughly dashed when there was a knock at the door. “Hello? Ms. Song? May we come in?”

River sighed. “I’m a bit tied up at the moment,” she said flatly. “Could you come back later?”

“Oh.” There was a long pause. “Er, no. Not really.”

Another voice -- softer and older than the first. “I think that was intended as a joke, Tully.”

“Oh, I see! Er, may we come in, Ms. Song?”

River sighed. “Yes, I suppose. It is _Professor_ Song, though.”

The door opened, and the guard who’d tied her up grinned at her sheepishly. “Sorry. I’ll remember for next time. Oh, here, Evelyn, let me give you a hand up there.”

The woman accompanying him, an older, dark-haired woman wearing a cardigan, smiled a bit as he helped her down the steps. “I’m perfectly fine, really,” she said. “I may be getting on a bit, but I’m hardly infirm.”

“If you say so,” Tully said. “I wouldn’t want you to slip and fall down the stairs. I’ve been reading up on prisons, you see. I hear that sort of thing seems to happen terribly often!”

Eventually, the two reached the bottom of the short staircase. Tully nodded at both women in turn, then quickly hurried up the stairs and out the door again. River shook her head. “Astonishing,” she said. “I think he really meant all that.”

“He seemed quite a nice young man,” the woman said approvingly. “Far and away the best jailer I’ve had.”

“Oh?” River quirked an eyebrow. “Have you had many? You don’t seem quite the type, er… Evelyn, was it?”

“Dr. Evelyn Smythe, yes,” she said with a nod. “I’d offer to shake your hand, but I see you might not be able to return the gesture. I wonder why they didn’t bother to tie me up?”

River smirked. “Did you try to use Jovian Jujitsu on the guards?”

“...No,” Evelyn admitted.

“That’ll be why. River Song, by the way. Archaeologist.”

“Mm. Fancy. My field is Tudor England.” She hesitated. “Sorry, do you want some help with those ropes, at all?”

“Please,” River said. “There’s a knife in my left back pocket, if you could?”

“Right.”

As Evelyn started sawing away at the ropes, River asked, “So. What brings a historian like yourself to the dungeons of Grand Fenwick?”

“Hm? Oh, I was caught trying to steal the Q-Bomb.”

“Huh. Small world.”

“You too, then?” She paused in her cutting. “You aren’t one of the Acidians, are you?”

“Clearly, you’ve never seen an Acidian. Translucent blue skin, face like a blobfish, and they talk like they’ve drunk one too many.”

“How do you know what they look like?”

“The same way you know what they’re after, I suppose,” River retorted. “I’m here to make sure they don’t get their hands on the Quadrium Bomb.”

“Hm.” Evelyn started working on the ropes again. “Shall we partner up, then? I just want to see the thing destroyed, so I hope you weren’t planning on putting it in a museum.”

“Not really that kind of archaeologist, me.”

“Oh, no?”

“Tell me, did you ever see Indiana Jones?”

“Yes.”

“Guess who he’s based on.”

Evelyn chuckled. “Where’s your whip, then?”

“Well, they had to make certain concessions for the films, naturally. You’re a time-traveler too, I take it?”

“Well, a hanger-on, at least,” Evelyn demurred. “My friend is the real expert, I’m just along for the ride. But I’m afraid they’ve taken him to be interrogated by the Duchess herself.”

River hummed. “This friend of yours… would he happen to be a tremendously irritating man with no dress sense, a blue police box, and far more charm than anyone would reasonably suspect?”

“Ah. You’ve met the Doctor before, have you?”

“And more. Although, from his perspective, all that may not have happened yet.”

“ _Ah_. This all has something to do with that Web of Time he’s always on about, doesn’t it?”

“More or less.” Evelyn cut the last rope, and River stepped away, turning around as she shook out her arms.

She grinned at Evelyn, just a little bit predatory. “Now! Which one have you got?”

“Come again?”

“Describe him a bit. Hair? Clothes? Personality?”

Evelyn raised an eyebrow. “Curly and blonde, patchwork clown coat, and irritatingly self-righteous.”

River’s eyes brightened. “Ooh. I _like_ that one. Be grateful you didn’t meet him one face later, though. He turns into quite the most irritating little puzzlebox of a man…”

Evelyn gave her a weary smile. “I’ll just pretend I have the faintest idea what you’re going on about, shall I?”

“Sounds good to me!” River trotted up the steps to the door. “Now, they _have_ taken my sonic trowel and lockpicks. What else do I have in my pockets…”

Evelyn stepped around her politely and opened the door. River paused. “It wasn’t even locked?” she asked, indignant. “That’s just insulting. I’ve made a hobby of escaping _the_ most secure prison in the galaxy, and they kept me in an unlocked dungeon?”

“To be quite fair, I don’t think they get many prisoners,” Evelyn said, peering up and down the hall. “The coast looks clear. Shall we?”

River sighed and shook her head. “Fine. Honestly, these people. So irritatingly incompetent you can hardly stand it, too nice to punch in the jaw. Let’s go find the Doctor, then.”


	2. Chapter 2

Finding the Doctor was hardly any more of a task than escaping the dungeon. One of the prime features of this incarnation was his booming voice, which echoed down the halls. It was only a few minutes before River and Evelyn had found their way into the throne room, where they found a strange sight. Sitting on the throne was the leader of Grand Fenwick, Duchess Gloriana XII, a youthful, pretty blonde. For some unknowable reason, she was wearing the Doctor’s patchwork coat. As a matter of fact, she was practically swimming in it. Meanwhile, before her, the Doctor was chatting away a mile a minute while wearing a very fine fur-trim coat. A third person was in the room as well, a thin and wiry old gentleman who was smiling down at the Doctor through a pince-nez

“So then I told Shakespeare, ‘Bill, you really will have to come up with a better name for your heroine. No one is going to see a play called ‘Romeo and Drusilla’. What about something that rhymes with her last name, hm?’ Well, he said, ‘Capulet? What kind of name rhymes with ‘Capulet’? ‘Romeo and Tapulet’ would be ridiculous.’ And then--”

River cleared her throat and the Doctor spun around. “Evelyn! Hello. You’ve made a friend, I see.”

“I hope we’re not interrupting anything too important,” Evelyn said, perhaps a touch flatly.

“Ah. Well. You see, I started out explaining to the Duchess --”

“Oh, it’s Gloriana, please.”

“--to Gloriana, and her chief scientist, Dr. Kokintz, why we desperately needed to disable the Q-Bomb.”

“And somehow, you wound up telling her the story of how you met Shakespeare?” Evelyn said, frowning.

“No, no, not at all. I’d met him well before then.” He caught sight of Evelyn’s face. “Er, yes. Point taken.”

River clucked her tongue. “You do have a habit of letting your mouth run away with you, sweetie,” she said. She looked him up and down. “Not a bad look, that. But I think I like you better in the motley.”

The Doctor frowned at her. “I’m sorry, have we met before?” His brow furrowed. “You know, I’m sure we have. I can’t remember where or when, but --”

“This is Professor Song, Doctor,” Evelyn said. “She’s here for the same reason we are.”

“Oh? Oh!” The Doctor nodded. “Delighted to make your acquaintance… again, I suppose, Professor Song.”

She smiled at him. “Please, call me River. Now, did you actually explain to the nice Duchess the importance of the threat, or did you just start name-dropping?”

The Doctor sputtered a bit. “He did explain,” Gloriana said. “It sounded terribly exciting. Aliens and space-travel and what have you. But I’m afraid I don’t see why you should have the Q-Bomb. It’s terribly distasteful, of course, and immensely dangerous -- er, with all respect, Dr. Kokintz.”

The venerable professor shook his head. “Not at all. I too would gladly be rid of it. But, well…”

“You’re not sure you can trust us?” Evelyn suggested. She frowned at the Doctor. “I did tell you, we might as well have asked first.”

He sighed and looked down at his shoes. “Yes, I suppose you did.”

“Well, that is part of it,” Gloriana agreed. “The other part is, well… you don’t seem to be particularly good at this, do you?”

The Doctor blinked, startled. “I beg your pardon?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, royal pardons. Yes, you all seem like nice enough people, you may all be pardoned.”

“I mean, what do you mean we aren’t very good at this?” the Doctor demanded.

Gloriana twiddled her thumbs. “Well… we  _ did  _ catch you, you know. And you walked in wearing this.” She gestured to her coat. “It’s a lovely garment, of course--”

“Isn’t it just?” River said approvingly.

The Doctor glanced at Evelyn triumphantly. “You see, Evelyn? It’s a perfectly lovely coat.”

“--But not exactly designed for stealth,” Gloriana concluded.

The Doctor’s face fell. “Ah.”

“So,” said River. “If we can prove our good intentions and our abilities as guardians, will you allow us to take the Q-Bomb?”

Gloriana considered this. “I suppose so. Though, I would like if the Duchy could have something in exchange for it, as well. Bobo -- that is, Lord Mountjoy -- made such a lovely little plinth for it, it would be a terrible shame if it were to go unused.”

“Well, that seems the quickest thing to sort out,” the Doctor said. “I have any number of things back aboard my ship. A gemstone, perhaps? I’ve got an emerald in there as big as my fist.”

Gloriana shook her head. “No, no. It would be a pity to keep that in the dungeons. There’s not much light there, and it’s so terribly dusty.”

“I could bring you a dress,” River proposed. “I’ve got tons of them. Cleopatra’s, perhaps? Something from the 23rd century, when they made dresses out of holographic bubbles?”

Gloriana shook her head again. “No… it would need to be something that benefited the entire nation, not myself alone.”

Evelyn clicked her fingers. “My chocolate cake recipe,” she pronounced.

The Doctor turned to her, surprised. “Really? That’s quite a big give, Evelyn.”

“For the safety of the world? I think it’s worth it.”

Gloriana leaned forward on her throne. “A recipe for cake? For the Q-Bomb?”

“It is an  _ exceptionally _ good cake,” the Doctor said firmly.

Gloriana sat back. “The offer does tempt me,” she admitted. “But I would have to try it first.”

“Of course,” said Evelyn with a nod. “Show me to the kitchens, and I’ll get started straightaway.”

“As for our capability as custodians,” the Doctor added, “my ship is parked in the yard behind the castle. You can send your men to do whatever they please to break into it, for as long as Evelyn is baking, and see how well they do.”

“As for our good intentions…” River trailed off, thoughtful. “Hmm. That’s a little more difficult to prove, I suppose.”

“Indeed,” the Doctor agreed. “I suppose we’ll just have to work that out later.”

The Duchess nodded her assent. “Shall we drink to it?” she enquired.

“Ah, well,” the Doctor said.

“Certainly,” said River.

The Doctor frowned. “I’m really not much of a drinker,” he muttered.

River smiled at him tightly. “Sweetie. The economy of this entire nation depends on their wine. I’m sure you can have a glass. It doesn’t even have ginger in it.”

He stared at her. “How did you know about --” he started, but River had already taken a bottle and glasses off a nearby table and started pouring. 

“To your good health, Doctor. Evelyn. Gloriana. Dr. Kokintz,” she said, passing the glasses around. She raised her own cup and smiled. “Cheers!”


	3. Chapter 3

It was exceptionally good wine. Everyone, even the Doctor, had a second glass before moving on. Gloriana had bidden the guard from earlier -- Tully, who apparently also served as royal consort, Minister of War, and Minister of the Interior for Grand Fenwick -- to take the Doctor and a squadron of guards out to verify his claims about his ship.

Evelyn and River were led down to the kitchens by Gloriana herself. “It shouldn’t be occupied at the moment,” she said brightly. “It’s Ariadne’s afternoon off, you see. She’s the cook, and she usually isn’t back until around four.”

“I see,” Evelyn said with a nod. “Yes, and what time is it now?”

“About half past one,” River supplied.

Evelyn smiled. “Wonderful. More than enough time. Oh, er, River, you needn’t stay here if you don’t want. I’m sure you’d prefer the Doctor’s company. You seemed quite familiar with him…”

River laughed. “Oh, Evelyn. You have no idea. But no, I doubt he needs much help laughing at a group of soldiers’ attempt to break into the TARDIS. I’ll stay with you.”

“Much appreciated.” Evelyn started searching through the cabinets. “How experienced are you with cooking?”

“Not very,” River admitted. “It’s been a  _ long  _ time since I’ve had to cook for myself, but I think I can still remember how to scramble an egg.”

“Good. I’ll put you in charge of stirring the dry ingredients, then. Just try to make sure it’s nice and well-mixed, while I work with the chocolate.”

“Right.” River watched as Evelyn carefully measured out the flour, salt, and other assorted powders onto a scale.

“So,” Evelyn said. “Would you like to tell me how you know the Doctor, or shall I just guess?”

“It’s rather a long story. I don’t think either of us will ever really understand it until we reach the end.”

Evelyn regarded her for a long moment. “Is that your way of saying it’s none of my business?”

River grinned. “You know, it’s odd. I seldom run into him when he’s traveling with companions. I wish I met more of you, you’re always so  _ fun _ .”

Evelyn smiled back at her and tilted her head. “I’m not so easily distracted, you know. Fortunately for you, I do know when to stop prying.”

“That makes one of us.”

“Here, you can start stirring, now,” Evelyn said, passing her the bowl. “Keep your secrets, if you like. I just thought it would be something to talk about.”

River took the bowl and started idly mixing the ingredients together. “I suppose. But I’d much rather hear about your adventures, Evelyn Smythe. What brings a history professor off on adventures with the Doctor?”

Evelyn’s eyes twinkled behind her half-moon spectacles. “My profession? Is that what interests you? I thought my age might pose the bigger question.”

“Oh, not at all,” River said lightly. “I’m pushing two-hundred, myself.”

Evelyn opened her mouth, then snapped it shut again. “No, I don’t think I’ll go down that particular rabbit hole,” she said firmly.

“But a history professor,” River continued. “Well! It’s always nice to confer with a fellow academic, you know. Traveling through the very thing you study, you know, you must have seen such interesting things.”

Evelyn smiled a little. “Well, I don’t mean to boast. It’s always been a bit hit-or-miss, you know.”

“He never changes,” River said fondly.

“Our first time out, he promised me Queen Elizabeth the First.”

“And?”

“We wound up with Mary Queen of Scots. Only a few years off, but when you’ve just proposed a toast to Queen Bess in a pub, that seems like a lifetime away.”

“I can imagine,” River said, nodding. “He promised to take me to ancient Memphis, once, in the sixth dynasty of Egypt.”

“And?”

“Oh, we made it to Memphis. Memphis, Tennessee, 1969. It wasn’t all bad, mind you. We took in some shows and stopped an invasion by alien Elvis impersonators.”

Evelyn put down her stirring spoon and turned to face River. “Now you are pulling my leg.”

“Yes,” River admitted. “It was only an invasion of brain slugs, really. The shows were quite good, though. We got Dolly Parton’s autograph.”

“Fancy.”

There was a scuffle at the door and both women looked up as Dr. Kokintz poked his head in. “I hope that I am not interrupting,” he said.

“Not particularly,” Evelyn said. “What can we help you with, Dr. Kokintz?”

The old scientist stepped into the room and clasped his hands behind his back. His eyes were grave. “I am concerned about the Quadium Bomb.”

River raised an eyebrow. “Well. Who wouldn’t be?”

“I have been observing the assaults of the guard on your blue box,” Kokintz said. “I am convinced of its abilities as a vault for the bomb. Despite your earlier attempts at robbery, I also am inclined to trust your good nature. The Doctor and I spent several minutes conversing about the avian life of Grand Fenwick, and I trust a man who is knowledgeable about birds.”

Evelyn smiled. “Then you’ll let us take the bomb away?”

“Possibly,” Kokintz said. “I must first know one more thing.”

Evelyn nodded. “Yes, that’s understandable. I wouldn’t let just anyone take the deadliest weapon in the world if I were in your shoes.”

“Fire away,” River said.

Kokintz looked up at the ceiling for a long moment, contemplating. At last, he said, “What do you intend to do with the Q-Bomb?”

“Lock it away forever,” Evelyn said.

“Detonate it,” River said at the same moment.

Evelyn looked at her, surprised. “Really? But the destruction it could cause --”

“Every moment that bomb remains whole is a moment that destruction remains a possibility. Take it apart piecemeal, it could be reassembled. I’m going to throw it into a nascent star, kickstart new life where it might have once wiped everything out.”

“Ah,” Kokintz said. “You may have some difficulty, there. I believe I now may entrust you with my great secret--”

But whatever that great secret might have been was cut off as a great ruckus rose from outside. River’s eyes went wide as she heard the distinctive sound of energy pistols being discharged. “We’re too late. They’ve arrived.”

* * *

The Duchy of Grand Fenwick was not a nation accustomed to invasion. Their only major exports were wine and wool, their population was only that of a small city, and although it was full of rich, beautiful land, it wasn’t particularly strategically important. Also, people tended to have difficulty finding it on a map. Therefore, as the aliens made their way through the streets toward the castle, nobody was quite sure how to react to this strange new phenomenon. Most hid in their homes, peering out at the strange parade through their shutters. 

The creatures sat in things that looked like sedan chairs, swishing gauze curtains draped over the sides, though they weren’t being held up by any visible force. The aliens themselves were much as River had described them to Evelyn; blue blobs of translucent flesh reclined on satiny pillows. Some of them had machines built in that peeled small fruits before dropping them into the rider’s mouth. All of them were slowly but steadily making their way toward the castle at the center of Grand Fenwick.

All this the Doctor observed with horror from the battlements of the castle itself. He turned to Tully. “The Q-Bomb,” he said. “We have to ensure it doesn’t fall into their clutches.”

Tully nodded. “I know. We must find Dr. Kokintz. He built it, he can disable it.”

“Right. You look for him, I’m going to get Evelyn and River.”

The Doctor turned to run off, but Tully grabbed his arm. “Doctor. Is there any way to slow them down?”

The Doctor rubbed the bridge of his nose. “They don’t like being inconvenienced,” he said. “Unfortunately, their technology can overcome most barricades, given time. If I had my sonic screwdriver…” He shook his head. “Bar and lock the castle gates. That should keep them back for a few minutes, at least.”

“Right.” Tully took off at a jog toward the guards and waved for them to follow him. The Doctor turned and raced for the kitchens. By the time he arrived, however, it was quite empty, save for a note. He squinted at it. 

“Sorry, Sweetie, couldn’t wait around for you. Taken Dr. K. to the dungeons already. Try and catch us up when you can! XOXO,

-River.”

He blinked several times. “Sweetie?” he repeated aloud. He quickly put the letter down. “Oh, foolishness,” he muttered, his face as red as a beetroot. He quickly hurried from the room to meet the others in the dungeon.


	4. Chapter 4

River hurried down the hallway, casting exasperated glances back at Evelyn and Dr. Kokintz. “Come on, you two! We don’t have any time to lose!”

“We’re not as young as we once were!” Evelyn said. “This is about as fast as I can go!”

Dr. Kokintz shook his head. “There is no rush!” he said. “I tell you, the Quaddium Bomb is --”

“About to fall into absolutely ruthless hands! Come on, we have to deactivate it before the Acedians breach the castle walls!”

“But--” said Dr. Kokintz, before merely shaking his head and conserving his breath for running.

At last, they reached the depths of the castle where the Q-Bomb was being stored. River shoved open the door and gestured to the bomb. “Dr. Kokintz, how long will it take you to disarm it?”

“It is easily done,” Kokintz said. “But as I was trying to tell you--”

He was cut off as the door flew open again, and the Doctor hurried into the room, breathing heavily. “Right, what’ve I missed?” he demanded.

“Nothing yet,” Evelyn assured him. “How does it look out there?”

“Not good,” the Doctor said. “The Acedians are closing in fast. We must get the bomb and Dr. Kokintz out of here.”

Kokintz blinked. “Me? I have no intention of leaving Grand Fenwick, Doctor. It is my home!”

“It’s only until the aliens leave. You’re the one who built the bomb, yes? They’ll force you to make another one for them, or repair this one. You and the Q-Bomb both need to vanish until the Acedians are out of our solar system. River, I presume you have your own transport?”

River raised her right hand to demonstrate her vortex manipulator. The Doctor’s face fell. “I see,” he said grimly. “The Q-Bomb would be rather too much of a risk to carry along with you. Cheap and nasty form of time travel, you know, you ought to get an upgrade.”

“We can’t all steal TARDISes from museums, you know,” River retorted.

“I-- oh-- touche. We’ll have to get to the TARDIS, then.”

“Doctor,” Evelyn said. “What will happen to Grand Fenwick when the Acedians can’t find the Q-Bomb?”

The Doctor paused. “Well, they’re still tracking it. They’ll realize the jig is up when it vanishes and go away.”

“Can you be sure of that?” River asked.

“I… no,” the Doctor admitted. “No, I can’t. There’s only one way I can think of to be sure that Grand Fenwick will be safe, and it’s enormously risky.”

“That’s never stopped you before,” Evelyn said. “Go on.”

The Doctor sighed. “If they see me getting in the TARDIS with the Q-Bomb and taking off, they’ll know what’s become of it and depart. But then they could catch me, and then…” He let out a long breath.

“Doctor,” said Kokintz. “May I have the Q-Bomb, please?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, I suppose. Why?”

“I have a plan. It is very simple, and I believe it will be very effective. If you will follow me, please?”

The other three glanced at one another, then followed Kokintz out of the cell and up into the sunlight of the courtyard. The guards were barely holding the castle doors shut as the invaders pushed against them. Kokintz waved at the guards. “It’s alright! Let them in!” he called.

A couple of guards stared incredulously at Kokintz. “Are you mad?” one demanded.

Kokintz smiled and shook his head. “No, no. I’m very pleased, as it happens. Let them in.”

Slowly, the guards lessened the pressure and the doors swung open. A line of levitating sedan chairs floated through. Kokintz waved at them. “Hello. I understand that you’re looking for this?” He held up the Q-Bomb.

The Doctor leaned over to River. “We  _ can _ trust him, can’t we?” he muttered.

River shrugged. “He seems to know what he’s doing,” she said.

The first Acedian hovered forward. “Surrender the bomb,” she said in a toneless voice. “We do not wish to use force.”

“Gladly. It is a terrible weapon. I would like very much to be rid of it. But you must do one thing in exchange.”

The Acedian smirked. “Oh? You are in no position to make demands, earthling. Do you wish us to leave in peace? To leave this delicious weapon unused?”

“I would not dream of presuming,” Kokintz said. “No. All I ask is that you…  _ catch! _ ” And so saying, he hurled the Quaddium Bomb into the air.

The world seemed to stand still -- the Acedians not quite caught up enough to follow the fatal bomb’s trajectory, the Doctor clutching at River’s arm in horror, the look of shock spreading across Evelyn’s face, the way Kokintz’s peaceful expression never fell for a moment.

Then the lead Acedian, with clear difficulty, raised an arm. It was the most any living Acedian had ever moved. She lifted her shaking hand out toward the bomb as it fell toward her, her floating sedan chair zipping into position. It was a world-saving catch. She reached for it. Metal met skin.

Then the bomb bounced out of her grasp and hit the stone floor. Nothing happened.

There was absolute silence. Kokintz smiled broadly. “A dud,” he said happily. “It doesn’t work. I myself found out a few months ago when I was going to disarm it and it fell to the floor.”

“You might have told us that!” Evelyn said, her voice high. “I’ve got a dicky heart at the best of times, good grief…”

The Doctor stepped forward. “There,” he said, and to his credit his voice hardly shook at all. “It’s broken. It never worked at all, and all of us know it. You may as well head back home, there’s nothing for you here.”

There was a long moment. The Doctor noticed River fiddling with something. Some kind of knife? No, more like a spade.

At length, the lead Acedian spoke. “The rest of the world does not know this bomb is a dud.”

“Er,” said the Doctor. “Well, I suppose not…”

“Then we will proceed as planned. Leave no witnesses!” Her sedan chair began to hum menacingly.

The Doctor stepped back a bit, shielding Evelyn from whatever was about to come next. Much to his surprise, all the chairs suddenly did an about face. All the mechanical hands that were holding grapes threw them off and started smacking the riders about the face instead as the line reversed course for the mothership.

“What in the name…” the Doctor began.

River grinned and held up her little spade. “Sonic trowel,” she said with immense satisfaction. “Never leave home without one.”

Dr. Kokintz clapped his hands together. “I think that went rather well, all things considered,” he said. “Now. I believe there was to be a cake at some point?”

* * *

So Evelyn finished her cake, with assistance from River and the Doctor, and it was served at the royal dinner that evening. Gloriana only took one bite before agreeing immediately that the recipe would be more than a fair trade for the Q-Bomb. “Though we will have to keep it rather quiet,” she added. “The Q-Bomb is the only thing keeping America and Russia from blasting one another out of existence, and that would be quite unpleasant for everyone involved.”

It wasn’t until quite late in the evening when the three time-travelers took their leave of the castle and headed for the TARDIS.

“I suppose this is where we say goodbye, River,” Evelyn said.

River smiled slightly and nodded. “I suppose it is. Goodbye, Evelyn. Goodbye, Doctor. I’ve had a wonderful time meeting you.”

The Doctor regarded River for a long moment. “You know, I’ve decided something. I can’t have met you before, after all,” he said.

River’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh? Why do you say that?”

He shook his head. “I’m quite certain I’d never have forgotten you if I had,” he said softly.

River smiled. “You old charmer. Well, in that case, here’s something to remember me by.” She grabbed his tie and pulled him gently into a long kiss. Evelyn glanced away. 

Eventually, River let the Doctor go. He rose, a peaceful, dopey expression on his face. “And something else to forget me by,” she said, her voice low and quiet.

Evelyn blinked. “What in the world did you do to him?” she demanded.

“Amnesiac agent in the lipstick,” River said, wiping her lips. “His first time meeting me is set in stone. That’s the problem with loving a time-traveler, you know. You never meet in the proper order.”

Evelyn studied the Doctor closely. “He’ll… be alright, won’t he?”

“Oh, yes. He’ll wake up in about half an hour, and he won’t remember a thing about this little adventure. Let me help you get him back to the TARDIS. This one’s something of a weight.”

“Thank you.”

Evelyn took the Doctor’s feet while River took him by the shoulders. “River.”

“Hm?”

“You know the Doctor in the future, don’t you?”

“Yes,” said River, her heart sinking.

“But not me.”

“...No.”

Evelyn nodded. “Well, I can’t say that I’m entirely surprised. Even if he weren’t an alien, he’d almost certainly outlive me. But… does he never mention me?”

“He doesn’t like to talk about old friends,” River said. “Whether that’s because he thinks he’ll make his new friends jealous, or because he’s afraid he’ll make himself maudlin, I couldn’t say.”

“Oh,” said Evelyn, and for a second, River’s heart aches, because she remembered Evelyn, about halfway down to the kitchens. Her heart burns with the desire to tell her everything -- that she’ll live to leave the Doctor, that she’ll fall in love all over again, that she’ll live happily ever after, until the day she saves the world with her final breath. But she says none of that. What do you say to the woman who died to save all existence? Because the Doctor does mention her. He talks about all of them. Not often, but when he does, she always sees how much they all meant to him, how much they all still hurt. 

She loves seeing the Doctor. She fears seeing his companions. She knows how all their stories end, and how close they are to their final chapter. She never knows what to say.

“I am an old friend, then?” Evelyn said at last.

River smiled at her. “Of course. One of his very best ones.”

“Well, that’s all right then,” Evelyn said. “We have half an hour, you said? Come to the kitchen with me. We’ve got some leftover cake! I’ll wrap it up for you.”

River shook her head, grinning. “You are a wonder, Evelyn Smythe. An absolute wonder.”


End file.
